Sam was surprisingly relaxed and settled inspite of being poked and prodded numerous times, covered in jelly for the ultrasound and having bloods taken. He became unsettled as I was about to leave, so I got to hold him for about 20 mins and he did settle a little.
I found it a hard day - post-op is always hard for me. Although the surgery yesterday was a good result and he coped well with the surgery, the fragile state of his major organs is a constant concern. And there just doesn't seem to be space to breath and celebrate any good steps as there is always another ongoing serious concern that they are addressing. We have always known it will be tough, and at the 7 week mark it is just plain tough. I feel relieved when he survives another operation, but still sad for him as the reality is that each surgery is not to correct a problem (his heart operation was the only op that was), but simply to manage his condition better. Today the tears flowed as I sat in the background and listened to the many discussions and as I looked at our darling with wires and bags hanging out and off him. I feel so helpless, yet am so glad to be with him as when Sam gets upset he responds to our voices and touch. I guess I want to share this as I am muddling through and I have my down days and today has been one of them. So I am still peaceful and sad and frustrated and hopeful - it can all co-exist and God knows that and sustains us.
Actually there are times I know real joy - that's when I just savour the moment and am holding Sam or washing him or just gazing at him....
So today I learned afresh about my inability to be strong or hopeful or joyful on my own.... I leave you with some great verses my friend reminded me of (thanks Carol!). “At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead” (2 Corinthians 1:8-9 PH).